A World Without
Engineers
Once upon a
time, in a galaxy far, far away, on the planet Zovirax, there was an evil king,
King Syphilis, who was mighty pleased with himself, for he had just banished
all the engineers on the planet to work in the Pixie Stick Powder mines on the
moons of Gluteus. "You see,"
he told his sycophantic servants and lackeys, "I have solved two problems
with one simple executive order. I have
rid the planet of those annoying, nerdy, know-it-all, engineers." (King
Syphilis was actually quite envious of them, because he went to a Junior University
in Palo Alto,
and didn't know very much at all.) "And secondly," he explained,
"I have provided cheap slave labor for the Pixie Stick Powder mines, thus
ensuring a limitless supply of this heavenly confection for all to enjoy."
All of King
Syphilis' staff applauded loudly, because he tended to behead
those who didn't. "Bring us intoxicating
chemicals, so that we may celebrate," ordered the king.
"I'm
sorry, Mr. King Syphilis," replied the servant. "You banished all the
chemical engineers to the powder mines, so we cannot make the intoxicating
chemicals anymore."
King Syphilis
was quite mad. Nobody talked back to him and go away with it. "Bring me my
plutonium phasor gun, so that I may vaporize this impudent guy," ordered
the king.
"I'm
sorry, my good King Syphilis," replied another servant. "Since you
deported all the nuclear engineers to the powder mines, we have been unable to
operate the plutonium powered phasor gun."
Now the king
was really mad. "I'm really mad!" said the king. "Bring me my
limousine, so that I may repeatedly run over these
contumelious servants of mine."
"No can
do, Mr. King," said the third servant, whose part will be played in the
movie version by Keanu Reeves. "All the mechanical engineers are in the
mine place, and everyone knows, you can't drive cars without mechanics."
"Go jump
off a bridge!" said King Syphilis.
Another of his servants interrupted, "We have no
more bridges, since all the civil engineers have been exiled to the powder
mines. Perhaps we should bring them all
back."
But the king
was not the brightest of kings, so he didn't agree to that just yet.
"Bring me my vibrating pleasure device, so that I may relax and think
about this dilemma of ours," ordered the king.
"We are
unable to do that, my king, because all the electrical engineers who design the
vibrating pleasure devices are in the powder mines."
"Hmmm,"
thought the king. "Perhaps I was wrong in banishing the engineers
from my planet.
Without them, we have no intoxicating chemicals, no plutonium powered
phasor guns, no automobiles, no bridges, and no vibrating pleasure devices. I
will bring them back from the powder mines of Gluteus."
But it was too
late, because the engineers so enjoyed having free time that
every last one refused to return, and they were all
killed in a freak mining accident.
So the moral
of the story, boys and girls, is that engineers are a very important part of
out everyday lives, and, engineers although smelly and dirty like pigs in a pig
pen, you should not banish them to slave
labor camps.
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